"Maybe they will change"......and other relationship fantasies!

Like many of you, I have tried to change the people in my life!  I have just one question:  How is that working out for you?  :-)

It can take some of us a long time to really get it that we can't change people!  We can seek to understand them and then choose to live with them based on who they are, but change them! - not so much.

Not married yet? Do little things just 'irk' you about the person you love with all your heart?  Are you sure that after you are married everything will be better and they will see the light!  I would like to propose that perhaps that thinking is creating a foggy condition keeping you from this fact:  MARRING SOMEONE WITH THE HOPE "THEY WILL CHANGE" is like continuing to drive your car without oil! It doesn't work and the results are not pretty. Your partner may negotiate with you - or not -  but you do not have the ability to make that person into the image of what you want them or even need them to be. 

Here are some things you can do to prepare for life with your partner: 

1. Get to know your partner.  Really know them.

Spend enough time with your partner to see them in all seasons of life - peaceful times, stressful times, when they have money, when they don't have money, how they are around children, how they treat their parents, how they handle disappointment, how they respond to the needs/issues of others. 

The way your partner responds in the pressures of life will give you a clear view of what you can expect to deal with - on steroids!  Yes, on steroids!  When pressures mount in life and the heart and mind and emotions and hormones and fatigue -and on and on and on - set in - that is how you can expect your partner to be with you when it is just you and him/her.

2.  Meet with someone skilled in helping each of you truly understand the makeup of the person you are considering spending the rest of your life with. 

I have yet to marry anyone who told me they were planning to marry and in a few years file for divorce and try someone new! None of us marry with any other intention than spending the rest of our life with the one we love!  However, over 50% of marriages in this Country end in divorce.  The largest percent of those divorces are after children come on the scene.  Meeting with someone who can help you see and understand your partner for who they are at their best and who they are at their worst will help you decide if those are the issues and challenges you are willing and prepared to navigate with them throughout your life together.   

3.  Develop strong friendships with people who are committed to you as a couple and who you can "tell-it-all" to.  

Everyone - EVERYONE - is going through the same challenges as everyone else.  The problem is:  we are too afraid to disclose the obvious to anyone and everyone who can see the telltale signs in our lives are not close enough to us to say:  "Dude/Dudette, what's going on?"  It is critical to have peer relationships to stand with you during times of challenge.  Research indicates that those who have these kinds of relationships in their lives are more likely to recover than even those who seek professional assistance.

4.  INVEST IN YOUR MARRIAGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE!

Don't stop with getting premarital counseling or coaching!  You and your partner change over time.  You will need the skills and flexibility to receive new information from your partner and be willing to negotiate for a lifetime.  What class did you and I take to learn to negotiate relationships?  Me either!  That is one piece of information I wish I had known a long time ago!  Invaluable advice if I must say so myself! Invest in your relationship at least annually - if for nothing more than a 'check-up'!

I am sure there are many other good pieces of advice from many other qualified sources.  However, if you did just chose to do these four, your odds for greater success and happiness in your relationship are multiplied! 

So, though you cannot change the person you love, you can get to know them better and prepare yourself to continue to accept that person for who they are now and who they will become as they grow, mature, develop throughout their life.  We cannot possibly know everything that will happen to us in life.  We can learn HOW a person responds to life, situations and circumstances and work with them on that basis.

Here's to YOU and YOURS:  Happiness through Understanding!  Get to know your partner through every means available to you and Make Your Magic Last!


Carolyn Santos
The Couple Coach
www.TheCoupleCoach.com
Carolyn@TheCoupleCoach.com

Maintenance or Overhaul

I rediscovered something today that hurts my heart.  It has never really been that far from my mind, but then something will come up that brings my concern back to the surface.

What is it?  I am so glad you asked!  ツ

It is the needless, private pain we live with every single day.  We keep all our worst thoughts, actions, fears, worries, depressions, addictions.....whatever else....hidden behind what we think is an ironclad vault so that no one can see. 

I hate to break it to us, but there are those in our lives who do see it.  They do care.  But they don't know what to do.  And, they can't do it for us.  Cause if they could, they would have already done so. 


Let's break this down just a little bit more.  What do we do with our car every 3-7,000 miles?  What do we do with our teeth about every six months?  What do we do for our bodies every year or so with our Doctor? What do we do once a year or so to renew ourselves and our families?  What do we do with our lawns every week or two?  Right!  MAINTENANCE.

So, let me get this straight.....

• We maintenance our cars so they will last longer
• We maintenance our teeth for use our entire lives
• We get maintenance check ups on our bodies to make sure there is not a lurking sign of disease, so that if there is we can get it taken care of immediately
• We give ourselves and our families a vacation every so often to rejuvenate 
• We maintain our lawns......you get the idea

 Yet the one area, the one thing we are most reluctant to maintain are our relationships.  Why?  I would like to propose that is boils down to:  SHAME - FEAR - CONTROL!  That vicious cycle that paralyzes our minds - whose job it is to protect us from pain - from taking action. 

Shame:  We don't like to acknowledge that we are not doing well in our relationship as husbands and wives.  If a man admits he needs outside support his fear is that he is acknowledging failure as a man, husband or father.  If a woman admits she needs outside support her fear is that she is acknowledging failure as a woman or wife.  What if the reality is that the we just can't see the forest for the trees and we need a moment of objectivity from an objective third party? 

Fear:  Because one of the jobs of our brains is to protect us from pain, fear (in the form of our imaginative self-talk) tells us "if anyone finds out that your lives are not perfect, they will reject you, make fun of you, won't want to be your friend anymore" etc. etc. etc.  This has not been my experience.  Just the opposite is generally true.  The more we share, the more we appear real; the more people have compassion and want to help. Because we are all in the same proverbial boat navigating the same proverbial waters of life and relationship.

Control:  Oh that 7-letter, 4-letter word!  After our vivid imaginations have given us a mental preview of  all the horrible things that will surely happen if we reveal we need support in our relationship, we set out to make sure no one finds out.  The secrets start.  No one is allowed to talk about it - especially in public.  We plaster on our "everything is just fine with us, thank you" faces and we carry on in the pain - now tripled! 

But what really happens?  We share our human issues with another human who completely gets where we are coming from; we find that 'exposing' our need brings relief and insight that sets us free on the inside. We find that we are not alone in the battles facing marriages today, and discover that we are not a failure for needing objective, third party input. 

How liberating it is to be free from the vicious Shame-Fear-Control cycle!   Maintaining our marriage relationships is not only NOT bad or wrong, it is the responsible and reasonable thing to do!  After all, it is at least as important to us as the car we drive, the lawns we mow, and the teeth we brush.

Routine maintenance is far better than waiting until a complete overhaul is required!  Dare to crack the vault with someone you trust and discover the value of relationship maintenance!  

Please share (or message me) your thoughts, experiences, insights.


Make the Magic Last!