What is it? I am so glad you asked! ツ
It is the needless, private pain we live with every single day. We keep all our worst thoughts, actions, fears, worries, depressions, addictions.....whatever else....hidden behind what we think is an ironclad vault so that no one can see.
I hate to break it to us, but there are those in our lives who do see it. They do care. But they don't know what to do. And, they can't do it for us. Cause if they could, they would have already done so.
Let's break this down just a little bit more. What do we do with our car every 3-7,000 miles? What do we do with our teeth about every six months? What do we do for our bodies every year or so with our Doctor? What do we do once a year or so to renew ourselves and our families? What do we do with our lawns every week or two? Right! MAINTENANCE.
So, let me get this straight.....
- We maintenance our cars so they will last longer
- We maintenance our teeth for use our entire lives
- We get maintenance check ups on our bodies to make sure there is not a lurking sign of disease, so that if there is we can get it taken care of immediately
- We give ourselves and our families a vacation every so often to rejuvenate
- We maintain our lawns......you get the idea
Shame: We don't like to acknowledge that we are not doing well in our relationship as husbands and wives. If a man admits he needs outside support his fear is that he is acknowledging failure as a man, husband or father. If a woman admits she needs outside support her fear is that she is acknowledging failure as a woman or wife. What if the reality is that the we just can't see the forest for the trees and we need a moment of objectivity from an objective third party?
Fear: Because one of the jobs of our brains is to protect us from pain, fear (in the form of our imaginative self-talk) tells us "if anyone finds out that your lives are not perfect, they will reject you, make fun of you, won't want to be your friend anymore" etc. etc. etc. This has not been my experience. Just the opposite is generally true. The more we share, the more we appear real; the more people have compassion and want to help. Because we are all in the same proverbial boat navigating the same proverbial waters of life and relationship.
Control: Oh that 7-letter, 4-letter word! After our vivid imaginations have given us a mental preview of all the horrible things that will surely happen if we reveal we need support in our relationship, we set out to make sure no one finds out. The secrets start. No one is allowed to talk about it - especially in public. We plaster on our "everything is just fine with us, thank you" faces and we carry on in the pain - now tripled!
But what really happens? We share our human issues with another human who completely gets where we are coming from; we find that 'exposing' our need brings relief and insight that sets us free on the inside. We find that we are not alone in the battles facing marriages today, and discover that we are not a failure for needing objective, third party input.
How liberating it is to be free from the vicious Shame-Fear-Control cycle! Maintaining our marriage relationships is not only NOT bad or wrong, it is the responsible and reasonable thing to do! After all, it is at least as important to us as the car we drive, the lawns we mow, and the teeth we brush.
Routine maintenance is far better than waiting until a complete overhaul is required! Dare to crack the vault with someone you trust and discover the value of relationship maintenance!
Please share (or message me) your thoughts, experiences, insights.
Make the Magic Last!
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