Like many of you, I have tried to change the people in my life! I have just one question: How is that working out for you? :-)
It can take some of us a long time to really get it that we can't change people! We can seek to understand them and then choose to live with them based on who they are, but change them! - not so much.
Not married yet? Do little things just 'irk' you about the person you love with all your heart? Are you sure that after you are married everything will be better and they will see the light! I would like to propose that perhaps that thinking is creating a foggy condition keeping you from this fact: MARRING SOMEONE WITH THE HOPE "THEY WILL CHANGE" is like continuing to drive your car without oil! It doesn't work and the results are not pretty. Your partner may negotiate with you - or not - but you do not have the ability to make that person into the image of what you want them or even need them to be.
Here are some things you can do to prepare for life with your partner:
1. Get to know your partner. Really know them.
Spend enough time with your partner to see them in all seasons of life - peaceful times, stressful times, when they have money, when they don't have money, how they are around children, how they treat their parents, how they handle disappointment, how they respond to the needs/issues of others.
The way your partner responds in the pressures of life will give you a clear view of what you can expect to deal with - on steroids! Yes, on steroids! When pressures mount in life and the heart and mind and emotions and hormones and fatigue -and on and on and on - set in - that is how you can expect your partner to be with you when it is just you and him/her.
2. Meet with someone skilled in helping each of you truly understand the makeup of the person you are considering spending the rest of your life with.
I have yet to marry anyone who told me they were planning to marry and in a few years file for divorce and try someone new! None of us marry with any other intention than spending the rest of our life with the one we love! However, over 50% of marriages in this Country end in divorce. The largest percent of those divorces are after children come on the scene. Meeting with someone who can help you see and understand your partner for who they are at their best and who they are at their worst will help you decide if those are the issues and challenges you are willing and prepared to navigate with them throughout your life together.
3. Develop strong friendships with people who are committed to you as a couple and who you can "tell-it-all" to.
Everyone - EVERYONE - is going through the same challenges as everyone else. The problem is: we are too afraid to disclose the obvious to anyone and everyone who can see the telltale signs in our lives are not close enough to us to say: "Dude/Dudette, what's going on?" It is critical to have peer relationships to stand with you during times of challenge. Research indicates that those who have these kinds of relationships in their lives are more likely to recover than even those who seek professional assistance.
4. INVEST IN YOUR MARRIAGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE!
Don't stop with getting premarital counseling or coaching! You and your partner change over time. You will need the skills and flexibility to receive new information from your partner and be willing to negotiate for a lifetime. What class did you and I take to learn to negotiate relationships? Me either! That is one piece of information I wish I had known a long time ago! Invaluable advice if I must say so myself! Invest in your relationship at least annually - if for nothing more than a 'check-up'!
I am sure there are many other good pieces of advice from many other qualified sources. However, if you did just chose to do these four, your odds for greater success and happiness in your relationship are multiplied!
So, though you cannot change the person you love, you can get to know them better and prepare yourself to continue to accept that person for who they are now and who they will become as they grow, mature, develop throughout their life. We cannot possibly know everything that will happen to us in life. We can learn HOW a person responds to life, situations and circumstances and work with them on that basis.
Here's to YOU and YOURS: Happiness through Understanding! Get to know your partner through every means available to you and Make Your Magic Last!
Carolyn Santos
The Couple Coach
www.TheCoupleCoach.com
Carolyn@TheCoupleCoach.com
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