"Maybe they will change"......and other relationship fantasies!

Like many of you, I have tried to change the people in my life!  I have just one question:  How is that working out for you?  :-)

It can take some of us a long time to really get it that we can't change people!  We can seek to understand them and then choose to live with them based on who they are, but change them! - not so much.

Not married yet? Do little things just 'irk' you about the person you love with all your heart?  Are you sure that after you are married everything will be better and they will see the light!  I would like to propose that perhaps that thinking is creating a foggy condition keeping you from this fact:  MARRING SOMEONE WITH THE HOPE "THEY WILL CHANGE" is like continuing to drive your car without oil! It doesn't work and the results are not pretty. Your partner may negotiate with you - or not -  but you do not have the ability to make that person into the image of what you want them or even need them to be. 

Here are some things you can do to prepare for life with your partner: 

1. Get to know your partner.  Really know them.

Spend enough time with your partner to see them in all seasons of life - peaceful times, stressful times, when they have money, when they don't have money, how they are around children, how they treat their parents, how they handle disappointment, how they respond to the needs/issues of others. 

The way your partner responds in the pressures of life will give you a clear view of what you can expect to deal with - on steroids!  Yes, on steroids!  When pressures mount in life and the heart and mind and emotions and hormones and fatigue -and on and on and on - set in - that is how you can expect your partner to be with you when it is just you and him/her.

2.  Meet with someone skilled in helping each of you truly understand the makeup of the person you are considering spending the rest of your life with. 

I have yet to marry anyone who told me they were planning to marry and in a few years file for divorce and try someone new! None of us marry with any other intention than spending the rest of our life with the one we love!  However, over 50% of marriages in this Country end in divorce.  The largest percent of those divorces are after children come on the scene.  Meeting with someone who can help you see and understand your partner for who they are at their best and who they are at their worst will help you decide if those are the issues and challenges you are willing and prepared to navigate with them throughout your life together.   

3.  Develop strong friendships with people who are committed to you as a couple and who you can "tell-it-all" to.  

Everyone - EVERYONE - is going through the same challenges as everyone else.  The problem is:  we are too afraid to disclose the obvious to anyone and everyone who can see the telltale signs in our lives are not close enough to us to say:  "Dude/Dudette, what's going on?"  It is critical to have peer relationships to stand with you during times of challenge.  Research indicates that those who have these kinds of relationships in their lives are more likely to recover than even those who seek professional assistance.

4.  INVEST IN YOUR MARRIAGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE!

Don't stop with getting premarital counseling or coaching!  You and your partner change over time.  You will need the skills and flexibility to receive new information from your partner and be willing to negotiate for a lifetime.  What class did you and I take to learn to negotiate relationships?  Me either!  That is one piece of information I wish I had known a long time ago!  Invaluable advice if I must say so myself! Invest in your relationship at least annually - if for nothing more than a 'check-up'!

I am sure there are many other good pieces of advice from many other qualified sources.  However, if you did just chose to do these four, your odds for greater success and happiness in your relationship are multiplied! 

So, though you cannot change the person you love, you can get to know them better and prepare yourself to continue to accept that person for who they are now and who they will become as they grow, mature, develop throughout their life.  We cannot possibly know everything that will happen to us in life.  We can learn HOW a person responds to life, situations and circumstances and work with them on that basis.

Here's to YOU and YOURS:  Happiness through Understanding!  Get to know your partner through every means available to you and Make Your Magic Last!


Carolyn Santos
The Couple Coach
www.TheCoupleCoach.com
Carolyn@TheCoupleCoach.com

Maintenance or Overhaul

I rediscovered something today that hurts my heart.  It has never really been that far from my mind, but then something will come up that brings my concern back to the surface.

What is it?  I am so glad you asked!  ツ

It is the needless, private pain we live with every single day.  We keep all our worst thoughts, actions, fears, worries, depressions, addictions.....whatever else....hidden behind what we think is an ironclad vault so that no one can see. 

I hate to break it to us, but there are those in our lives who do see it.  They do care.  But they don't know what to do.  And, they can't do it for us.  Cause if they could, they would have already done so. 


Let's break this down just a little bit more.  What do we do with our car every 3-7,000 miles?  What do we do with our teeth about every six months?  What do we do for our bodies every year or so with our Doctor? What do we do once a year or so to renew ourselves and our families?  What do we do with our lawns every week or two?  Right!  MAINTENANCE.

So, let me get this straight.....

• We maintenance our cars so they will last longer
• We maintenance our teeth for use our entire lives
• We get maintenance check ups on our bodies to make sure there is not a lurking sign of disease, so that if there is we can get it taken care of immediately
• We give ourselves and our families a vacation every so often to rejuvenate 
• We maintain our lawns......you get the idea

 Yet the one area, the one thing we are most reluctant to maintain are our relationships.  Why?  I would like to propose that is boils down to:  SHAME - FEAR - CONTROL!  That vicious cycle that paralyzes our minds - whose job it is to protect us from pain - from taking action. 

Shame:  We don't like to acknowledge that we are not doing well in our relationship as husbands and wives.  If a man admits he needs outside support his fear is that he is acknowledging failure as a man, husband or father.  If a woman admits she needs outside support her fear is that she is acknowledging failure as a woman or wife.  What if the reality is that the we just can't see the forest for the trees and we need a moment of objectivity from an objective third party? 

Fear:  Because one of the jobs of our brains is to protect us from pain, fear (in the form of our imaginative self-talk) tells us "if anyone finds out that your lives are not perfect, they will reject you, make fun of you, won't want to be your friend anymore" etc. etc. etc.  This has not been my experience.  Just the opposite is generally true.  The more we share, the more we appear real; the more people have compassion and want to help. Because we are all in the same proverbial boat navigating the same proverbial waters of life and relationship.

Control:  Oh that 7-letter, 4-letter word!  After our vivid imaginations have given us a mental preview of  all the horrible things that will surely happen if we reveal we need support in our relationship, we set out to make sure no one finds out.  The secrets start.  No one is allowed to talk about it - especially in public.  We plaster on our "everything is just fine with us, thank you" faces and we carry on in the pain - now tripled! 

But what really happens?  We share our human issues with another human who completely gets where we are coming from; we find that 'exposing' our need brings relief and insight that sets us free on the inside. We find that we are not alone in the battles facing marriages today, and discover that we are not a failure for needing objective, third party input. 

How liberating it is to be free from the vicious Shame-Fear-Control cycle!   Maintaining our marriage relationships is not only NOT bad or wrong, it is the responsible and reasonable thing to do!  After all, it is at least as important to us as the car we drive, the lawns we mow, and the teeth we brush.

Routine maintenance is far better than waiting until a complete overhaul is required!  Dare to crack the vault with someone you trust and discover the value of relationship maintenance!  

Please share (or message me) your thoughts, experiences, insights.


Make the Magic Last!

FIX IT! DON'T THROW IT AWAY!

I took a call yesterday from a man I met last Spring.  I met with him and his fiance before they got married for Couple Coaching.  Though he was not particularly interested in meeting with me at the time, his fiance found about me through a mutual friend and really wanted to do at least one Couple Coaching time before they got married. They were so impacted by our short time together that they have chosen to sponsor another couple to meet with me!
I asked him if he could answer this question for me:  "On a scale of 1-10  (1 being not very helpful and 10 being very helpful),  how would he rate the benefit he and his fiance gained from our one time together?"  He said easily a 9!   

They were proactive and met with me before getting married.  They have 'understanding' and new 'language' to use when (not if) challenging times come.  They have understanding that makes it easier to not become offended or hurt by MISunderstandings.  The same can happen in reverse.  I have met with couples who were so hurt, mad, offended, at each other and after meeting only one or two times gain 'understanding'  that takes the sting out of their hurt, anger or wounds and healing and restoration takes place.  It only takes two willing hearts  -  willing at any level - just willing. 

Though I do not want to minimize the degree of pain you may be going through, I want you to know that it is nothing short of miraculous what can happen in just a few times of meeting together - sometimes just one!

If you choose to take this step, you can expedite our coaching time by taking the Kendall Life Languages Profile by...

1. Logging on to: www.TheCoupleCoach.com 
2. Products and Services
3. Take the KLLP (read the instructions carefully)
4. Set up a time to get together.

Remember:  Successful marriage is NOT the absence of conflict; it is the effective resolution of conflict!  Let's get started!

Make the Magic Last or Strike the Original Match,   

Carolyn Santos

The Couple Coach
www.TheCoupleCoach.com
www.Facebook.com/TheCoupleCoach
330.603.8711

 

 

LOVE WILL FIND A WAY!

Great Marriages start and continue with Great Communication.

STANDARD COMMUNICATION TIPS:

1. Talk.........I try!
2. Listen......He/She won't!
3. Dialog.....Are you kidding me?
4. Repeat....Insanity!



 





......and together we take out all the guesswork!  


CUSTOMIZED COMMUNICATION TIPS: 
From Tuning-up your relationship to an all out Rescue - This approach WORKS!

1. Speak in his/her preferred communication style - his/her
    communication language.
    Question: How do I know what that is?
    Answer  : Glad you asked. Easy. 15 minutes of self-reporting
                     and you have your answer - for life in every situation!

2. Don't speak your preferred communication style and expect him/her to understand you.    
    -  reference Answer in #1.

3. Verbal processor? Cognitive processor?
    Very different communication needed to maneuver this territory. - See answer to #1.

4. How can I learn another person's preferred communication style - their Communication
    Language?
    Answer: Not hard at all. You just need the information with which to do it! 
    - see Answer to #1

5. Can this really make a difference? My husband/wife is not interested in meeting with you?
    Answer: If you and he/she can agree to do one session of Couple Coaching or a free
    consultation to dispel the fear or shame of "talking" with someone, the communication
    analysis that you self-report on and the Coaching itself will do the rest. Promise.

This custom approach to communication and your marriage is like having an MRI or CAT Scan for your body. What is revealed is Remarkable, Effective, and Accurate!

Would love to meet with you and yours for a FREE information gathering time over coffee in your home or a public place to see if this would be right for you.

Look forward to hear from you!  You will be so glad you did! 

The Grass is Greener....

I met with a couple recently who have been married a number of years but not doing well.  Hurt, resentment, bitterness, withdrawal, sarcasm, criticism, blame, verbal abuse, silent and not-so-silent pain, etc....you may be familiar with the drill.  Well, after our lengthy meeting (you can't accomplish anything in 50 minutes once a week) we were able to decipher the main taproot of the problem!  Yep, you guessed it!  He is "speaking his language" to her expecting that to meet her needs; and she is "speaking her language" to him expecting that to meet his needs. 

 
IT DOESN'T WORK!  And, as you might imagine, the grass was looking greener on the other side.


In order for you, me, anyone to have our needs met, our spouse or partner has to acknowledge that OUR needs are OUR needs and seek to meet them.  

It's simple, right?  Wrong!  UNLESS....you have insight into your spouse or partner that they acknowledge is correct, accurate and...makes them jump up and down OR cry when they hear their need validated and acknowledged! 

That is where I come in.  With information you and yours give me online and in about 15 minutes, we are able to establish 'exactly' who each of you are and 'exactly' what each of you NEED from the other.  

THEN WHAT?  

That is where that powerful thing called "choice" comes into play.  IF you both are willing to work on accepting the others needs as real and valid and choose to die to self to meet those needs, there is nothing that is wrong that cannot be "righted". 

MY needs are MY needs.  They are NOT YOUR needs.  They are different - not wrong - just different.  IF we validate that those needs are real and seek to honor our spouse/partner by "speaking THEIR Language" you will find that your grass is GREENING UP quite nicely. 

Just because something "looks dead" doesn't mean it is dead.  As long as there are roots, there is life!  All you need to do is add a little water and enjoy again.  

I am very hopeful for this couple.  Why?  Because they really do love each other.  They just hit a wall they couldn't get over by themselves. 

The grass isn't greener on the other side. 
The grass is greener on the side you water!


Get the Magic Back, 

Carolyn Santos
The Couple Coach
It's more about communication than you think
www.TheCoupleCoach.com

...OR Strike the Original Match

I talk to people every day living in silent to eruptive pain and frustration regarding the level of intimacy, understanding and communication in their relationships or absent altogehter.  It doesn't have to stay this way. As long as two people are willing to 'learn' - notice I did not say 'deal with their stuff' - willing to learn and apply what they learn there is nothing that cannot be resolved, changed, healed and transformed.

From getting started on the right track as a new Couple to Make the Magic Last to Marriage Enrichment, or even a Marriage Make-Over, Couple Coaching is effective with only TWO REQUIREMENTS: 

1.  You acknowledge you need to work together on your relationship
2.  You are willing to 'understand' specific things about your mate and act on this understanding

Nothing is impossible to him who believes.  And nothing can stop a man or woman who has understanding.  With the right information and understanding, your magic can last or - better yet - you can  Strike the Original Match and watch as those flames of love and romance ignite again. 

It isn't hard and it doesn't have to take a long time.  Desire, the right understanding, and willingness!  That's it!

Repeatedly, I have been told that couples have spent much more on counseling over months or years and received less results than after only one time in Couple Coaching with me.  Wow!  With the customized tools you receive and by true understanding being gained, the only thing left is action.  Most of the time, the problem isn't an unwillingness to try; rather is it NOT KNOWING 'what' to do.   When you know "what" to do, the "doing" of it is easier.  Knowing what to do is what you discover in Couple Coaching customized just for the two of you.

Would love to get started with you today to Make Your Magic Last or to assist you in Striking the Original Match! 


Confidently,

Carolyn Santos
The Couple Coach
www.TheCoupleCoach.com
carolyn@carolynsantos.com

Fall Special for Blog Readers

LOST IN TRANSLATION!

LOST IN TRANSLATION!

Everything in life is accomplished via communication. You and I know all too well what happens when things are lost in translation.  Take a look at the 41 second video clip for a memorable example.  It's a kicker!

When I experience these kinds of situations it feels/sounds something like this:  "I know you think you heard what you thought I said, but what you think you heard me say isn't exactly what I meant - I think!"  It's the "lost in translation" cycle, right? 

Being a good communicator has little or not to do with if we can talk well; the real issue is: Can I speak YOUR language?   According to http://www.ethnologue.com/, as of 2009 there are currently 6,909 recorded, distinguishable languages in the world!  That is a staggering thought.  One North American who was asked how many languages he thought there were in the world replied:  "Probably several hundred"!  Ya think!  I probably would have guessed under 1,000 myself.  

Well, I have good news!  In the real world of 'communication' - regardless what ethnic language(s) we speak - there are just seven (yes, 7) communication languages!  And to make it even better, every person in the world speaks all 7 communication languages from strength to weakness.  That means that IF we learn just a few very simple facts about each of these 7 communication languages, there is NO ONE with whom we cannot communicate and do so effectively!  Granted there are more things that come with the mix, but essentially - it is WAY more simple than we ever imagined.  

Thousands have discovered the simplicity of the communication languages and their effectiveness in real life, every day.  I just met with a client this morning who said:  "I don't refer you to my colleagues just because I like you.  I refer you because this information helps me do what I do....every day!"  It's helped her, her family and her staff for over 10 years. 

The communication languages are simple to learn.   I call them 'organic to life'.  The information 'gets in you' and starts working.  If you choose to check this out, this is what I can guarantee:  it will be the last workshop you will ever need to attend to have excellent, effective communication for your life, your family life, or even your organization.  Oh! You don't like going to workshops?  Ok!  You can get this information in a multitude of ways!   

So, fellow Earth travelers, if you have anyone in your life with whom you find it challenging to downright 'impossible' to communicate with, you are going to be pleasantly surprised!  I make communication simple and effective for people!  How?  Shout out to me and let's 'talk' about it and get freed us from the 'lost in translation' cycle.